Since the book is out of print, and no one really downloads the Kindle or Nook versions, I thought I might as well post all the sayings online. Here is the entire contents of Volume 1 & 2 of Redneck Words of Wisdom…over 500 redneck sayings collected over many years. Enjoy!
REDNECK WORDS OF WISDOM: Real-life expressions, advice, commentary, and observations from some of the smartest people around…rednecks
WARNING: If you are overly sensitive to inappropriate jokes and sometimes politically incorrect themes, I would suggest turning back now. Rednecks don’t have that ability to not say the wrong thing. You’ve been warned!
INTRODUCTION
Rednecks are not just from the South. Some of the biggest rednecks I’ve ever met are from California, Oregon, the Midwest, the Northeast—you name it. In other words, “redneck” is not regional. It’s internal. You’re either a redneck or you know one.
The best thing about rednecks is their way of expressing themselves. The idea for this book came about when I was visiting relatives in South Carolina. There was a party (isn’t there always?), and the next morning I saw one particular in-law looking very hungover. I asked him how he was feeling and he replied:
“I feel like I got eat by a bear and shit off a cliff.”
Like I said, rednecks have a way with words. That very relative must have spouted a million of ’em throughout the weekend, not trying to be funny—that’s just how he talks.
This collection has been compiled from rednecks all over the world who have submitted their favorite redneck sayings to the old Redneck Words of Wisdom website (no longer in existence). They’re funny, cutting, and usually right on the money. I hope this book will be of great value to you in your everyday life, as you tap in to your inner redneck. But, like my Great Uncle Willie used to say, “It’s not what it’s worth, it’s what it brings.”
So, this book is dedicated to Uncle Willie Eden, Scott Berry, and rednecks around the world to whom these aren’t “sayings” at all. It’s just the way they talk.
— Jaimie Muehlhausen
Some Friendly Advice
Go for the ugly early and you’ll never go home alone.
Don't judge folks by their relatives.
Don’t sell your mule to buy a plow.
Spit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up faster.
Anyone can fly. It’s the landing that will get you.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
If you want sympathy, look between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
If you can’t race it or take it to bed, you don’t need it.
Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.
Don’t name a pig you plan to eat.
To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
That’ll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.
A blow job from a pig is better than a goodnight kiss from a fox.
Don’t skinny dip with snapping turtles.
There’s more ways to choke a dog than feeding him peanut butter.
No matter what you do to a skunk, it still stinks.
If Confucius Was a Redneck
If at first you don’t succeed, use duct tape.
You plant a tater, you get a tater.
Never get into an argument with an idiot—you'll just lower yourself to their level and they'll beat you with experience.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered—not yelled.
Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Never try to teach a pig how to dance. You'll waste your time and just annoy the pig.
Every path has a few puddles.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
When you find yourself in a hole—quit diggin’.
You got to be 10 percent smarter than the equipment you’re runnin’.
Procrastination is like masturbation: it’s fun until you realize you just fucked yourself.
Never get into a wrestlin’ match with a pig. You’re both gonna get muddy, and chances are, the pig likes it.
Two can live as cheap as one if one don’t eat.
Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal. It just ain’t helpful.
Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none.
Don't worry too much about it. Just do all you can do and let the rough end drag.
Don't let your alligator mouth overload your mockingbird butt.
You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but you can't wipe your friends on your saddle.
Never do anything that could get you killed, unless you think it'll be fun.
You can't ride two horses with one ass.
Sometimes life is harder than walking through a balloon shop with a porcupine purse.
Give people free cake and ice cream and there will always be someone who bitches about the flavor.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Bad Aim
He couldn't hit a bull in the butt with a bass fiddle.
He couldn't hit water if he was standin’ on a boat.
He couldn't hit a ten-pound pussy with a fifty-pound sledgehammer.
He couldn’t hit the broad side of a barn.
He couldn’t hit a ten-point buck with a twelve-gauge one yard in front of him.
He couldn’t hit a bull in the butt with a bucket of rice.
He couldn't hit the ground if he fell twice!
It Ain’t Braggin’ If You Can Back It Up
If I was any better I’d have to be twins.
Just call me butter, ’cause I'm on a roll.
I ain’t scared of nothin’ but spiders and dry counties.
I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.
That ain’t no hill for a stepper.
I'm bowed up like a Halloween Cat.
I have three speeds: On, Off, and don't push your luck.
Quick, Look Busy
Busier than ants at a picnic.
Busier than a one-armed man in a fistfight.
Busier than a tick on a cat’s back.
Busier than a stump full of ants.
Busier than a one-armed paper hanger.
Busier than a one-legged man in a kick-boxin’ match.
I got more things to do than a dog with fleas.
Busier than a cat tryin’ to cover crap on a marble floor.
As busy as spit on a griddle.
Busier than a cucumber in a women's prison.
Regular Animals
He’s about as swift as a concrete eagle.
He’s kind of like a Billy Goat: hard head and stinkin’ ass.
Tall enough to stand flat-footed and kiss a giraffe.
Let’s be off like a herd of turtles.
We were so poor that we used to have to jerk off the dogs just to feed the cats.
About as much fun as a warm bucket of calf slobber.
He’s just like a catfish: all mouth and no ass.
About as sexy as socks on a billy goat.
That fits tighter than socks on a rooster.
That’s how the cow ate the cabbage.
He’s the kind of guy who’ll put a rattlesnake in your pocket and ask you for a light.
It's gonna be a frog choker. (a heavy rain)
I’m gonna get it done if it harelips every cow in Texas.
Their trailer was so bad, there was roaches big enough to stand flat-footed and screw a turkey buzzard.
A leopard can’t change his spots any more than a Z-car its racing stripes.
You mess with the bull, you get the horns.
I don't give a rat’s ass.
He let his alligator mouth get ahead of his hummingbird ass.
You’re worse than a pet raccoon— can’t keep your hands off anything.
Faster than a jackrabbit on moonshine.
I’m just a squirrel in the world trying to get a nut.
You’re like a bull in a china shop.
That boy smells so bad, he could drive a hungry dog off a meat wagon.
I was as mad as a three-legged dog trying to bury a turd on an icy pond.
It’s harder than trying to stick a wet noodle in a wildcat's ass.
Even a dog knows the difference between being stumbled over and kicked.
I’m prouder of that than a hound pup is his first flea.
He’s shiverin’ like a dog tryin’ to shit a peach seed.
He’s so cross-eyed he can stand on the front porch and count chickens in the backyard.
Whiter than a hound dog’s tooth.
It's hard to fly with the eagles when you run around with the turkeys.
Quieter than a mouse peeing on cotton.
He’s so lazy he calls the dog in to see if it’s rainin’.
Ain’t no point in beatin’ a dead horse—’course, can’t hurt none either.
Smooth as a pig on stilts.
Richer than three feet up a bull’s ass.
You’re as handy as a cow on crutches.
More fun than a sack full of kittens and a lump hammer.
It smelled worse than a dead skunk that just crawled out of another dead skunk’s ass.
Like findin’ a feather on a frog.
That dog won’t hunt.
That’s like findin’ a diamond in a Billy Goat’s ass.
Beatin’ a dead horse don’t make it taste better.
I’m busier than a borrowed mule.
It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.
My cow died last night, so I don’t need your bull.
About as hard as tryin’ to herd chickens.
He’s more confused than a turtle on the center stripe.
Trouble with a milk cow is she won’t stay milked.
Can't swing a dead cat without hitting a Wal-Mart.
Well dip my balls in sweet cream and squat me in a kitchen full of kittens.
As poor as field mice.
He jumped on that like a duck on a June bug.
Warped like a dog’s hind leg.
He looks like he swapped legs with a Jay bird and got cheated out of a butt.
He’s stuck like a possum on a gum tree.
If rats had revolvers, nobody would have house cats.
Don’t worry about the skinny mule. Just load the wagon.
Multigenitaled Animals
He’s busier than a dog with two dicks.
Hornier than a twelve-peckered Billy Goat in mating season.
Hotter than a three-balled tomcat.
Happier than a puppy with two peters.
What an Ass
If you buy that, you might as well shove your money up a wolf's ass and watch him run over the hill.
Don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.
Swat my hind with a melon rind.
If he ran up your ass with track shoes on, you’d know where he’s at.
His ass must be hungry—it’s tryin’ to eat his pants.
The only thing fair is the hair on a Norwegian albino’s butt.
He ran like his feet was on fire and his butt was catchin’.
That makes my ass draw up so tight you couldn't drive a toothpick through it with a sledgehammer.
I wouldn't have that in my ass if I had room for a drilling rig.
That makes my ass want a dip of snuff.
If you don't use your head, you might as well have two asses.
That’s as hard as trying to put butter up a wildcat's ass with a hot poker.
I was so nervous I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
If a frog had pockets, he would tote a pistol to shoot snakes.
That truck couldn't pull a spoon out of a cats ass.
That means about as much to me as a strawberry up a bear’s butt.
Stick a paper umbrella up my butt and call me a hurricane.
He's so scared you couldn't drive a wet watermelon seed up his butt with a sledge hammer.
You might as well tie a kerosene rag around your ankles so the fire ants don’t jump up and bite your candy ass.
Can’t Live with ’Em, Can’t Shoot ’Em
Women have to be more beautiful than smart, ’cause men see better than they think.
Women are like tiles: you lay ’em right the first time, they let you walk all over ’em for life.
She didn’t get a round mouth by eatin’ square meals.
She looks like she was rode rough and put away wet.
It must be jelly—jam don’t shake like that. [Ed: I’ve always heard this as “It must be jelly, ’cause jam don’t shake.”
She’s a carpenter's dream: flat as a board that ain’t never been nailed.
Sadder than a fat girl with no boobs.
Big woman, big pussy. Little woman, all pussy.
Her ass looked like two pigs in a gunnysack.
She’s built like a brick shithouse.
She’s got her nose stuck up so high in the air she’d drown if it rained.
She’s as wild as a peach orchard boar.
She got her tit caught in a wringer.
Her teeth are like stars: they come out at night.
Sex with her is like throwin’ a hot dog down a hallway.
She’s been takin’ them “noassitall pills.”
That girl is like a door knob: everyone gets a turn.
Her jeans are so tight, you can see the veins in her ass!
You could give her Heaven and Earth - she'd still want a tater patch in hell.
The only thing that separates that girl from White Trash is her rich husband.
She was wilder than mountain scenery!
Witch’s Titties Must Be Cold
It’s colder than a witch’s titty in a brass bra doin’ push-ups in the snow.
It’s colder than a witch’s titty on a winter day on the shady side of the mountain.
It’s colder than a witch’s titty face down in the snow with a Popsicle shoved up her ass.
It’s colder than a brass toilet seat on the shady side of an iceberg.
Colder than a mother–in-law’s love.
It's colder than a well digger’s ass in Idaho.
It's cold enough to freeze the balls off a pool table.
It's colder than a whore's heart.
Colder then day old penguin shit.
Now That’s Crazy!
Crazier than a dog in a hubcap factory.
He’s crazier than a shithouse fly.
Nuttier than a five-pound fruitcake.
That kid is nuttier than a pecan pie.
Nuttier than a squirrel turd.
Nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut festival.
He’s crazy as a pig eatin’ shit.
More confused than a homeless person under house arrest.
It's my Mother's fault; I was never like this 'til I was born.
Awwww, How Cute
Cuter than a little ol’ ball of cotton rollin’ under a barbed-wire fence.
She’s like a twelve-pound bass: you don’t know whether to eat her or mount her.
She’s cuter than pig nipples.
Prettier than a wall full of boogers in the men’s bathroom.
She’s so fine, I'd crawl through a minefield of broken glass on my hands and knees to hear her piss in a tin can over a walkie-talkie.
She’s purdier than a mess of fried catfish.
You’re finer ’n frog hair split eight ways.
Prettier than a speckled pup under a wagon with his tongue hangin’ out.
Cute as a sack full o’ puppies.
She was battin' her eyes like a toad in a hailstorm.
She’s so fine, I'd fight tigers in the dark with a switch for her.
If I had swing like that I would ride it every night.
She's so hot, I’d jump on her like a rat on Cheetos.
When I first saw her my eye's bugged out like a stepped on toady frog!
She's hotter than fish grease.
She's got an ass like an onion…it brings a tear to my eye.
Fat (Not Phat)
She’s so fat, if somebody told her to “haul ass,” she’d have to make two trips.
It takes a whole lotta liquor to like ’er.
She looked like ten pounds of shit in a five-pound bag.
She had a butt like a forty-dollar mule.
Three pounds of ugly in a two-pound sack.
Drivin’ a Dodge truck is like doin’ a fat gal: ya ain’t real proud of it, but it works.
That goes through more batteries than a lonely fat girl on a Saturday night.
He’s got the furniture disease: his chest done fell into his drawers.
I ain’t no Barbie, but I ain’t big enough to eat hay.
Fat people are harder to kidnap.
I’m out like a fat kid in dodgeball.
Her ass was so big, it looked like two Buicks fighting for a parking place.
Food for Thought
He’s ridin’ a gravy train on biscuit wheels.
I’m just hangin’ out like a hair in a biscuit.
Her cookin’s so bad, you couldn’t poke a fork through the gravy.
You catch more flies with jam than you do with vinegar.
You can catch more flies with honey, but who wants flies?
You can’t have chicken salad without the chicken shit.
That piano player’s fingers are slipperier than sausage on a griddle.
You’re slower than molasses on a cold day.
This knife is so dull it wouldn’t cut hot butter.
Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
She ain't too purdy, but she can cook like hell.
BBQ: If you go away clean, you ain't eatin' it right.
If it can't be cooked with bacon grease, it ain't worth fixin', let alone eatin'.
That BBQ is tangier than my brother's cutoffs.
She’s got champagne taste on a soda pop salary.
Georgia on My Mind
It’s hotter than hell and half of Georgia.
He went through that like Sherman through Georgia.
I’ll skin you like a Georgia catfish.
It’s hotter than Georgia asphalt.
Not Just Good—Good Enough
That adhesive’s so good it’d hold a bad marriage together.
That food tastes so good it makes you wanna slap your grandma.
So good, it’ll make your tongue jump out and lick the eyebrows right off your head.
Gooder ’n snuff and ain’t half as dusty.
That food is so good it makes your tongue beat a hole in the roof of your mouth and slap your brain.
This stuff will put a freeze on your face that won’t quit. (Refers to good moonshine)
Cooler than a bucket of free beer.
That tastes so good, if you put it on your head, your tongue would slap your face tryin’ to get to it.
It’s so good, it’ll make ya put back shit you didn’t even steal.
If You’re Happy and You Know IT
Happier than a pig in shit.
Happier than a possum in the corn crib with the dog tied up.
Smilin’ like a possum eatin’ fish.
I’m happy as a jackass in a briar patch.
He’s as happy as a fat guy at the buffet.
Happier than a June bug on a tomato plant.
I'm happier than a punk in a pickle patch.
I’m as happy as a tornado in a trailer park.
I happier than a short, fat pony in a high field of oats.
Hot, Hot, Hot
It’s so hot you could sweat 150 pounds of fat off a 125-pound hog.
It’s hotter than a blistered dick in a wool sock.
Hotter than a whore in church.
It’s hotter than the Devil’s underarm.
It’s hotter than a crack pipe.
It’s hotter than a Wal-Mart parking lot in August.
It’s wipe-your-ass-with-a-snow-cone hot.
Hotter than a two-dollar whore on dollar day.
Hotter than a two-dollar pistol.
It’s hotter than forty acres of burnin’ stumps.
It’s hotter than a goat’s ass in a pepper patch.
Hot as a depot stove.
It’s so hot, I seen a coyote chasin’ a jackrabbit, and they’s both walkin’.
Hotter than a road lizard walking up a hill backwards carryin’ a bucket of feed.
It's hotter than a Billy Goat with a blow torch.
It's hotter than the hinges of hell.
It's hotter than a spanked baby's ass.
It's hotter than Hell's basement on the day of reckoning.
It’s hotter than five fat chicks in an Escort.
Hungry Man
I’m hungry as a gut-shot dog!
I’m so hungry, I could eat the asshole out of a menstruating skunk.
I’m so hungry, I could eat the north end of a cow goin’ south.
Hungry as a tick on a turnip.
I’m so hungry, my backbone is snappin’ at my belt buckle.
I’m so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a road-kill armadillo.
I'm so hungry, my belly button is sticking out of my asshole.
I’m so hungry, I’d eat the balls off a low-flyin’ duck.
I’m so hungry, I’m farting fresh air.
I’m so hungry I’m about to fall through my ass and hang myself.
I'm so hungry, every time I swallow, my asshole says “thank you.”
I'm so hungry, my butt just took a bite of my undershorts.
I’d Rather—
I’d rather slide down a mountain of razor blades and jump into a pool of rubbin’ alcohol than _____________.
I’d rather wear a pair of pork chop panties and run through a lion’s den than _____________.
I’d rather jump barefoot off a six-foot stepladder into a five-gallon bucket full of porcupines than _____________.
I'd rather stare directly at the sun with binoculars than _____________.
I'd rather be in hell with a broken back than _____________.
I'd rather have a sister working in a whore house than _____________.
It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
I’m madder than a deaf person trying to play bingo, get bingo, and holler out bingo.
Boy, you just done pissed me off. You better start runnin’ like your head’s on fire and your ass is catchin’.
Mad as a box of frogs.
Madder than a legless Ethiopian watchin’ a donut roll down a hill.
Madder than a bobcat caught in a piss fire.
Madder than a long-tail cat in a room full of rockin’ chairs.
I’m so mad I could swallow gunpowder, two bullets, eat a burrito, take off my britches, lay on my back, spread my ass cheeks, fart, and drop a deer from a hundred yards.
That’s enough to piss the pope off!
Madder than an Amish electrician.
He’s madder than a puffed toad.
Better pissed off than pissed on.
Madder than a pack of wild dogs on a three-legged cat.
More pissed than a hornet with no stinger!
Madder than a one legged woman at the IHOP.
I'm so mad I could spit! (only ladies say this)
That’s Mean
Meaner than an old wet hen.
Mean as the alligator when the pond went dry.
Meanness don’t just happen overnight.
Don’t corner somethin’ that you know is meaner than you.
He’s so mean, he wouldn’t give his mother the sweat off his balls.
She's meaner than a rolling ball of butcher knives
He's the meanest SOB ever to shit behind shoe leather.
Measure Twice, Cut Once
Lower than an ankle bracelet on a flat-footed pigmy.
Thinner than a gnat’s scrotum stretched over a fifty-five-gallon drum.
Quick as a politician’s promise.
I’m so poor I can’t pay attention.
That ain’t worth the powder to blow it to hell.
Busier than a set of jumper cables at a Mexican funeral.
Tighter than fish pussy (and that shit is watertight).
I ain’t goin’ no higher than corn and no lower than taters.
I’m doin’ as little as possible and the easy ones twice.
Smaller than a skeeter peter.
I hope it rains ass-high to an eight-foot Indian.
Thinner than a skeeter’s ass stretched over a wash tub.
Finer than a frog’s hair.
Tighter than Dick’s hatband.
That guy’s harder to catch than my wife’s boyfriend.
More fucked up than a can of fishhooks.
That’ll spin faster than the handle on a shithouse door.
I feel lower than a bow-legged caterpillar.
Tighter than a tick.
Slower than a herd of turtles stampedin’ through peanut butter.
Tighter than a skeeter’s ass in a nosedive.
Scarce as hen’s teeth.
Sober as a judge.
Lower than whale shit, and that’s at the bottom of the sea.
Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
Thicker than the hair on rabbit’s back.
That room’s so small you can’t cuss a cat without gettin’ a mouthful of fur.
That boy moves slower than pond water.
You and me are closer than two catfish in a fryin’ pan.
When it’s high tide on the sound side, it’s low tide on the ocean side.
They sit so close together, if they took a laxative it would work' em both.
That's sharper than a mother-in-law's tongue.
That's LOWER than a mole's belly button on digging day!
He's as full of shit as a Christmas turkey.
She's faster than a striped assed ape.
Harder than a minister’s prick.
That's lower than quail shit in a wagon rut.
Faster than a cat can lick its ass.
Slower than molasses runnin’ uphill in July.
He was drunker than Cooter Brown on the 4th of July.
He’s as low as my ex-wife’s lawyer.
Faster than a bee stung stallion.
Her jeans are tight enough to see Lincoln smiling on the penny in her pocket.
Granny cooked enough supper to feed the Pharaoh's Army.
That's handier than a pocket on a shirt.
That's lower than quail shit in a wagon rut!
That thing's locked up tighter than a cat’s ass stretched over a water bucket.
All Worked Up
Wound up tighter than a two-dollar watch.
Nervous as a jerked-off cat.
Nervous as bear caught with his head in the hive.
That guy’s so nervous you couldn’t drive a needle up his ass with a jackhammer.
She’s wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister’s wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
I was so nervous, I didn't know whether to scratch my watch or wind my butt.
He's wound up tighter than a banjo string.
That made my nuts draw up so tight you couldn't reach them with knittin' needles.
That’s Just Pathetic
That fella is thick in the middle and poor on both ends.
I couldn’t get nailed in a wood workshop
You could dive into a barrel of tits and come out suckin’ your thumb.
You’re so sorry you’d steal a widow woman’s dog.
Son, you’re so low that when you die you’re gonna have to rise up to find hell.
He’d steal the bridle off a nightmare.
He ran like a scalded dog.
Boy, you could fuck up a mother’s love.
He looks greener than gourd guts.
He's as sad as a cucumber.
If he were to give a concert in my backyard, I'd pull the blinds.
Ain't got a pot to piss in let alone a window to throw it out of.
I'm so poor, if I stepped on worn out dime I'd bet you a nickel I could tell you whether it's heads or tails.
Poop, Crap, Piss, Shit,
and Other Related Areas
I feel like I got eat by a bear and shit off a cliff.
I’m on you like stink on shit.
He’s feelin’ lower than a turd in the gutter with the shit kicked out of it.
I feel like I was shot at and missed, shit at and hit.
Boy, I'll slap a fart outta you that’ll whistle like a freight train!
It’s time to piss on the campfire and call the dogs.
I’m gonna be like shit and hit the trail.
If you stir shit long enough, you’ll get some on you.
You can put a coat and tie on a turd but it’s still gonna be a turd.
You can’t polish a turd.
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat
It’s like wipin’ your ass with a hula hoop: it goes round ’n round with no end to it and you only get shit on.
The only thing we got to fear is a public toilet seat.
If I wanted shit I’d squeeze your head.
That looks like shit on a white rabbit.
About as funny as a fart in a diver’s helmet.
Subtle as an unflushed toilet.
What’s the matter? Got a turd crossways?
I’m so tough, my turds have muscles on em’.
Slower than smoke rollin’ off of dog shit in December.
Well shit on me and call me a sundae!
That fart smelled like it crawled over a turd to get out.
That’ll go over like a fart in church.
I wouldn’t piss on him if his guts was on fire.
Shit the bed then kick it out!
Shit fire and save a match.
This knife is so dull, it wouldn’t cut a fart.
That’ll go over like a turd in a punch bowl.
Don’t pee down my back and tell me it’s rainin’.
I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.
The closest you ever came to gettin’ a piece of ass was when your finger tore through the toilet paper.
Well, don’t that just beat all ya ever stepped in.
That’s like wipin’ before ya poop. It don’t make no sense.
We thought we were shittin’ in high cotton. (feeling pretty special)
I got a bad case of the zacklies: my mouth tastes zackly like my butt smells.
I got to piss like a rushin’ racehorse.
If you shake it more than three times, you’re playin’ with it.
Rare as rocking-horse shit.
Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day.
Why don’t you Go piss on a spark plug.
Keep your enemies close, but not close enough to piss on your shoes.
He ain't no better than a watered down bucket of whale piss.
You can’t have chicken salad without the chicken shit.
It’s drier than a popcorn fart.
His pants were so tight, if he farted, it'd blow his boots off.
He didn’t know whose weeds he was pissing in.
That smells like the shithouse door of a shrimp boat.
Let’s make like a turd and hit the trail.
Cornier than a corn field and half of its owner’s turd.
Why fart and waste it when you can burp and taste it?
That smells like the shithouse door on a shrimp boat.
Rhetorical Redneck
Is a frog’s ass watertight?
Does Howdy Doody have wooden balls?
Does a bear shit in the woods?
Is the pope Catholic?
Does a fat dog fart?
What’s Up, Slick?
That’s slicker than greased goose shit.
That’s slicker than snot on a doorknob.
Slicker than a minnow’s dick.
Slicker than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot.
Slick as snot on a goat’s glass eye.
This old truck wouldn’t pull a slick prick out of a lard bucket.
Slicker than otter snot.
Slicker than a harpooned hippo on a banana tree.
That's slicker than snot and smashed bananas.
She is slicker than cut okra in the sink
Slicker than a bald tire semi on a mile of wet asphalt.
He's slicker than the grease off a BBQ biscuit.
Slicker than shit through a tin horn.
Stronger, Tougher
Strong as bear’s breath.
Stronger than ten acres of garlic.
Tougher than a two-dollar steak.
Like a garlic milkshake: smooth, yet strong.
Strong as train smoke.
That guy’s got more guts than a man can hang on a fence.
Duct Tape is like "The Force." It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
That's harder than woodpecker lips.
That's worthless as chicken crap on the pump handle.
Heavier than a dead preacher.
I’m up to my ass in alligators.
If duct tape don't fix it, then you're not using enough duct tape.
Stupid Is as Stupid Does
Your parents musta’ pissed in a pot and raised a bloomin’ idiot.
That boy ain’t smart enough to pound sand in a rat hole.
You could fuck up an anvil with a rubber mallet.
He’s duller than a three-watt light bulb in a power outage.
It’s kinda like puttin’ gas in a car that you’ve already wrecked
You’re as smart as you are good lookin’, and that ain’t sayin’ much.
He’s so dumb, he couldn't spell cat if you spotted him the C and the T.
He’s so stupid, he thinks Johnny Cash is a pay toilet.
She’s a taco shy of a combination plate.
He’s so stupid they had to burn down the school just to get him out of the third grade.
He ain’t the brightest crayon in the box.
That boy don’t know sheep shit from Arbuckle coffee
You’re about as stupid as an ass-roaming butt monkey.
Dumber than a box of dirt.
She’s dumb as a brick.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
He’s so dumb, he couldn’t pour piss out of a boot if the instructions was written on the heel.
That boy ain’t got the sense to wipe hisself when he’s done
That boy’s dumber than a stick of wood.
He’s so dumb he couldn’t get into college with a crowbar.
That boy is nine dimes short of a dollar.
Puttin’ her brain in a matchbox would be like a BB rollin’ around in a boxcar.
Sometimes I think that girl is as dumb as a cat tryin’ to look pretty in the middle of a dog festival.
He ain’t got the sense to lead a blind goose to shit.
That man don’t have the brains God graced a bale of hay.
He’s got all the smarts God gave a duck’s ass.
Dumber than green grass on the moon.
That boy’s so stupid he took a duck to a chicken fight.
That boy is about as sharp as a cue ball.
He’s so stupid, he couldn’t find his ass with both hands.
You don’t know your ass from apple butter.
He’s a beer short of a six-pack.
He’s a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
He couldn’t hit his own ass with directions and a map.
He ain’t the sharpest knife in the cupboard.
He don’t know come here from sickum.
She was so dumb that she thought Grape Nuts was a venereal disease and Peter Pan was a hospital utensil.
If brains was dynamite she wouldn’t have enough to blow her nose.
He couldn’t find his ass with two hands and a flashlight.
Dumber than a bag of hammers.
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Plumb eat up with the dumb-ass.
You’d mess up a wet dream.
If brains was lard, you couldn’t grease too big a wheel.
He has the IQ of a corn nut.
He could mess up a soup sandwich.
That boy is so dumb, he can't spell M&M backwards.
Did you eat a bowl of stupid this morning?
Talking to him is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what's the point?
He’s the type of person to argue with a road sign and take the wrong way home.
You’ve been breathing your own exhaust for too long.
It’s hard for him to understand 'cause he's always got both ass cheeks wrapped around his ears!
Boy, you got about as much sense as god gave a goose.
Your mother’s so stupid, she thinks Cheerios are donut seeds.
That boy ain’t the smartest peanut in the turd.
I don’t understand so I disagree.
He's dumber than two sacks of hair.
That feller’s so dumb, he don't know sheep shit from cotton seed.
He's a nice enough guy, but I don't think he has enough chlorine in his gene pool.
That boy listens about as well as a deaf Baptist.
Hey, Tough Guy!
Don’t make me open up a can o’ whup ass!
You got a can o’ whup ass? Bring it over, ’cause I have the can opener.
Boy, I’ll smack you so hard your kids’ll come out behavin’.
I’ll hit you so hard your whole family will hurt!
If you’re gonna be stupid, you better be tough.
I’ll knock a knot on your head so tall you’ll have to climb a ladder to comb your hair.
I’m gonna put a knot in your head the Boy Scouts can’t get out.
I’m gonna slap you like a red-headed stepchild.
I’m gonna kick your ass so hard you’ll have to take your shirt off to shit.
Keep messin’ with me and I’ll stomp a mudhole in your ass and walk it dry.
I’m gonna kick your ass till it hums like a tenpenny finishin’ nail hit with a greasy ballpeen hammer.
You’d rather jack off a grizzly bear with a fistful of cockleburs than to fuck with me.
You couldn’t scratch my ass if you was a mountain lion.
I wouldn’t piss in your mouth if your teeth was on fire. Boy, you better start runnin’ like your head’s on fire and your ass is a-catchin’.
If you can’t hang with the big dogs, stay your puppy ass on the porch!
I’m gonna beat you senseless and tell God you was drug by a horse.
Do unto others, as others do unto you. Just do it right, do it first, then run like hell.
It’s Gettin’ Ugly
She looks like she got hit in the face with a bag of what the fuck.
Last time I saw a mouth like that it had a bit in it.
Ugly as Uncle Bob’s divorce.
So ugly she would knock a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Ugly as three miles of mud road.
He’s so bucktoothed he could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
She’s so ugly she could stop a bucket of snot in mid-air.
He’s so ugly he’s gotta sneak up on a cup to drink water.
He’s uglier than my granddaddy’s beer belly at a redneck wedding.
Only thing alive at that house with all its teeth is the termites.
She’s uglier than a hat full of assholes.
She’s so ugly she could stop a clock.
If you fell into a pond, you could skim off ugly for a week.
She’s so ugly, she looks like she plays goalie for a dart team.
She’s uglier than a mud fence.
She’s so ugly, she could scare a rat off a cheesecake.
He’s uglier than a bucket of assholes with the best ones picked out.
She’s uglier than a mole on a pig’s ass.
That girl is as ugly as home-made soap.
Is that your head or did your neck throw up?
She’s so ugly, we had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
She looks like she got hit in the face with a sack full of bent nickels.
You must have fell from a ugly tree and hit every branch coming down.
She was so ugly she looked like her face had caught fire and someone beat it out with a track shoe.
She was so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road.
She looks like she got shot in the face with rock salt.
Uglier than a bag of dicks.
She’s so ugly, she looks like she ran a forty-yard dash in a thirty-yard gym.
Uglier than a bucket full of armpits.
Uglier than homemade soap.
Somebody ruined a perfectly good asshole when they put teeth in your mouth.
She’s about as pretty as a speckled pup’s butt.
She looks like her face caught fire and somebody put it out with an ice pick.
She's so ugly the garbage men won't pick her up.
She makes a pretty bride, but I didn’t recognize her without her beard.
I'd love to have a dress just like that, but I don't go to many Puerto Rican proms.
She's so ugly, when she was a baby, her mom fed her with a slingshot.
My sister's so ugly, my mom had to be drunk to breast feed her.
Useless
Useless as balls on a priest.
About as useful as buttons on a dishrag.
You’re as useful as a ball in a square dance.
She’s as useful as a tit on a boar hog.
She has two speeds. Slow and stop.
Grab Bag
How’s business? Good enough for cork wine.
Tell me what you need and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Hard sayin’ not knowin’.
He’s all hat and no cattle.
We’re tradin’ daylight for dark.
I can tell you a thing or two ’bout a thing or two.
I ain’t as good as I once was, but I’m better once than I ever was.
That’s about as much fun as a bad case of scours.
That’ll break him from suckin’ eggs.
Flashy as a rat with a gold tooth. (not to be trusted.
I don't play—I quit school ’cause of recess.
I’m sorry, but my tongue got in front of my eyetooth and I couldn't see what I was saying.
Well, throw me between an axle housing and frame and call me shocked!
It’s drier than a popcorn fart.
Marriage is an expensive way for a man to get his laundry done for free.
I hate his stomach for carrying his guts.
Loopy as a cross-eyed cowpoke’s lariat.
Runs just like a candle.
You lie like a cheap rug.
That makes about as much sense as a screen door on a submarine.
He’s deaf in one ear and can’t hear out of the other.
She wouldn’t walk across the street to see a piss-ant eat a bale of hay.
He’s scratched up worse than a blind berry picker.
We service what we sell, ’cause what we sell needs service.
She’d sooner climb a tree to tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth.
He was so confused he didn’t know his ass from his elbow.
Good Lord willin’ and the creek don't rise.
You’re gonna catch nine shades of hell.
Ain’t no thing but a chicken wing.
He ain’t exactly settin’ the woods on fire. (lazy)
Noisier than two skeletons screwing on a tin roof.
I smell what you're steppin’ in. (“I get it.”)
If you keep stealin’ our farm land we’ll all be eatin’ Chinese.
She's limber as a dishrag.
He’s as country as cornflakes.
You lie like a tombstone.
Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
He'd bitch if you hung him with a new rope.
You're swingin’ like a wash woman.
Whatever cranks your tractor
Well knock me down and steal my teeth!
You can't get blood from a turnip.
If I had that swing on my back porch, I’d ride it every night.
If I tell you a chicken dips snuff, you better look under his wing for the can.
Put it on the dust account and let the rain settle it.
He's busy as a beaver in a fresh grown forest.
Acknowledgments
Thank you to everyone who has contributed words of wisdom to this list over the years.
I would also like to thank the following for their help, support, and inspiration: Jessica, Josie, Stella, and Milo Muehlhausen; Sarah Malarkey at Chronicle Books; Pat Hawk; Steve Hawk; Tony Hawk; Mike Hawkins; Roger Sgarbossa; Jim Muehlhausen; Jill, Peter, Jenna, and Carter Linsley; Marie and Timmy; Bob and Ellen; Randy Laybourne; Rob Quillen; Dave Quillen; Greg E. Noll.
“We ain’t much, but we’re all we got.” – Timmy Griffith, R.I.P.
Published electronically by Jaimie Muehlhausen and VIBROSONIC, ©2025.